Black vs Fell

"Excuse me, I'm looking for..."  A lovely young man started to say. 

"No."  Bernard Black said from behind his desk.  He was looking at his newspaper and refusing to make eye contact. 

"You don't even know what I'm asking about."  The young man was starting to be a little less lovely. 

"Don't care.  I don't have it."  Bernard said. 

"I apologize for my boss."  Manny said to the young man.

"Do not apologize for me.  I refuse to apologize."  Bernard said, glaring at Manny.  Manny just glared right back before looking at the young man. 

"What book is it you're looking for?"  He asked. 

"I'm looking for The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy."  He smiled at Manny. 

"Why on the entire Earth would you assume that we could have shite like that?"  Bernard asked after slamming his newspaper onto the desk. 

"The man at the other shop said you would have it...."  The young man said.  He was a little terrified now. 

"What man?"  Bernard said slowly. 

"The posh gentleman at the other bookshop down the street...."  The young man pointed over his shoulder. 

"I'm sorry, we don't actually carry that book."  Manny started trying to shoo the young man out of the store. 

"Blonde man, a bit round?  Looks like your grandad?"  Bernard came from around the desk and started practically stalking after them. 

"Yes, that's him."  The young man nodded just before Manny shut the door and put his back against it, trying to keep Bernard from going out. 

"He's done it again, Manny!  That smug bastard has done it again!"  Bernard stormed over to his desk and picked up his cigarettes.  "Why does he keep doing that?  Sending us....customers!" 

"You do the same to him..."  Manny started and Bernard just glared at him, cigarette hanging out of his mouth.  Manny moved away from the door shortly before Fran came through it.  She looked at Bernard and stopped next to Manny. 

"What's gotten to him?"  She asked. 

"The chap down the street sent us another customer."  Manny explained, though he kept his eyes on Bernard. 

"Oh, that's not good at all."  Fran pulled a bottle of wine out of her bag and held it out to Bernard as if offering a steak to a hungry lion.  Bernard grabbed the bottle and then went into the kitchen. 



"I'm a huge fan of you irritating the locals, angel, but that man is going to snap one day and I have a strong feeling you're going to end up discorporated if he does."  Crowley said as he sat on the couch drinking directly from a bottle of wine. 

"It's really fair play if you ask me.  He keeps sending people my way asking for ridiculous books.  Some of them don't even exist."  Aziraphale sipped his glass of wine. 

"Yes, but he's also entirely unstable and there's only so much a human mind can take before it loses complete control."  Crowley shook his head. 

"Oh, I seriously doubt he would take it that far."  Aziraphale shook his head as well.  "He doesn't have it in him." 

"I think you would have it in you to evaporate him from the planet if you saw the state of his shop."  Crowley shuddered.  He'd gone in there once on a reconnaissance mission of sorts.  "There's absolutely no order to it at all.  Books everywhere.  And it's just....well, let's just say I'd rather go back to Hell than ever set foot in that shop again.  I don't know how he's still open." 

"I don't want to know."  Aziraphale shook his head once more and then finished his glass of wine.  He didn't have it in him to actually put the man out of business, though he could if he really wanted. 





"Agnes Nutter?  Who the bloody hell is Agnes Nutter?"   Bernard practically yelled into the phone.  Manny took the phone away from him quickly. 

"I'm sorry, what is it you're looking for?  Yes, alright.  Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter.  I'm afraid we most definitely do not have that one."  Manny gave Bernard a little smile and Bernard just sat grumpily in his chair.  Fran took the phone away from Manny with an evil glint in her eye. 

"You know, I think I know who might have a copy of that book.  There's a little shop down the street, A.Z. Fell and Co.  He has all kinds of antique books that nobody's ever heard of.  I'm certain he will most definitely have a copy."  She then hung up the phone and grinned at Bernard. 

"That was evil."  Manny said. 

"And I absolutely love it."  Bernard grinned and offered Fran a cigarette. 



"Well, there's no reason to use that sort of language."  Aziraphale said before hanging up the phone.  Of course that man would send someone his way.  It had been going on like that for years.  Neither of them actually wanted to sell any books and were constantly foisting customers off on each other.  It was an almost never ending cycle.




They had heard the sirens going down the street and Fran and Manny went to go see what was going on while Bernard continued to sulk behind his desk.  Why should he care about what was happening out in the real world. 

"Bernard...."  Fran said as she and Manny came back into the shop.  They were both soaking wet from the rain. 

"I don't care.  Whatever it was, it doesn't matter."  Bernard lit his cigarette and just stared at the newspaper. 

"It's the other shop, Bernard...."  Manny said, he was still a bit in shock. 

"The other shop?"  Bernard still didn't look at them. 

"The posh bastard."  Fran replied. 

"What about it?"  Bernard finally looked up at them. 

"The shop's burned down, Bernard.  It's completely gone.  Kind of....exploded a bit..."  Manny answered.  Bernard just stared at them for a second before grinning weirdly. 

"Well now he can't send us anymore customers, can he?"  He took a long drag off of his cigarette and then went back to his newspaper.  Fran and Manny just exchanged a look before shrugging and going back to their seats by Bernard's desk. 



There were exactly three people on the planet that knew about the events of the previous days.  None of the other Soho residents knew anything about the shop burning to the ground.  Only Crowley, Aziraphale, and Adam had any recollection of anything at all.  And it was better that it stayed that way. 

After dealing with Heaven and Hell and their little lunch at the Ritz, Crowley decided to go check on the man he'd labeled Aziraphale's tormenter.  He walked down the street trying to see if anything was different and he actually almost passed the shop entirely.  It looked completely different. 

Crowley stepped inside and looked around at the organized books, the clean shelves.  The place looked like someone else was running it. 

"How may I help you?"  A very kind man asked from behind the desk.  It looked like the assistant of the grumpy, drunk Irishman. 

"Oh, just having a browse.  Lovely place you've got."  Crowley smiled as he looked around the shop.  "Are you the owner then?" 

"No, I'm just the accountant.  I watch the shop on occasion when Mr Black is away.  Did you need to speak to him?"  Manny smiled and got to his feet.  Crowley hadn't been expecting to see him in a nice shirt and slacks.  It was very different from the last time he'd visited. 

"No, no.  That's quite alright.  I was just curious.  My very dear friend runs a bookshop down the street.  They sort of....know each other."  Crowley shrugged. 

"Ah.  Well, Mr Black is on holiday at the moment but I'll be happy to send your regards.  If there's anything I can help you with, please feel free to ask."  Manny offered before going to straight up some books on a shelf that didn't really need straightening. 

"Right."  Crowley nodded.  He looked around for a few more minutes just to be polite before giving the man a wave and heading out.  He shuddered when he got out onto the sidewalk.  That had been extremely weird.  "He'll be happy about that, at least."  Crowley chuckled and headed back to Aziraphale's shop.