I Never Wanted This
There had been many states in which Aziraphale had seen Crowley over the time that they'd known each other. He'd seen him drunk and angry and happy (though he wouldn't admit it) and even scared. Though Aziraphale had to admit that when Crowley got scared it was absolutely terrifying. There wasn't much that the demon was afraid of. But he almost never actually saw Crowley sad. He was sure that it wasn't because Crowley was never sad, he just never liked to show that particular emotion. So when Aziraphale let himself into Crowley's flat and found him curled up in a ball and practically sobbing on his bed, it almost literally broke Aziraphale's heart.
"Crowley?" He asked as he made his way over to stand next to the bed.
"Don't you knock?" The demon practically hissed as he rolled over so Aziraphale couldn't see his face, frantically wiping at his cheeks.
"I thought we were past that." Aziraphale said softly. Crowley's shoulders slumped a bit. They had gotten past that a little while back.
"I just....you shouldn't have seen that." He cleared his throat and wiped at his cheeks again. He didn't like Aziraphale to see him so.....weak.
"What's wrong, Crowley?" Aziraphale reached out and touched Crowley's shoulder. Crowley tensed as if to move away at first, but then just relaxed into the touch. It was nice. Aziraphale sat on the edge of the bed.
"It's stupid." He shook his head. At least he felt like it was. Like it was something he should have gotten over quite a long time ago.
"I highly doubt that, Crowley." Aziraphale squeezed his shoulder gently. Anything that had his friend in this state certainly couldn't be stupid.
"If I tell you what's bothering me, you'll change your mind on that." He took a deep breath and let it out.
"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?" Aziraphale gave him a small smile as he squeezed Crowley's shoulder again. Crowley sighed and rolled over so that he could look at his friend. It was a miracle that he could even call the angel that, if he were honest. Even after everything they'd been through, they were still an angel and a demon.
"I didn't want this." Crowley said softly, his voice cracking just a bit. "It happened and there's nothing I can do about it and it's absolutely stupid that it still bothers me so much." He wiped at a fresh tear on his cheek.
"What are you talking about?" Aziraphale kept his tone calm and soothing. The whole point was to reassure Crowley, after all, not make him angry.
"This." Crowley gestured at his body. When Aziraphale just looked at him a bit confused, he closed his eyes for a moment, another tear streaking across his skin. "I never wanted to be a demon." The words would have been inaudible to any human. "I just.....listened to the wrong people." He cleared his throat.
"Oh Crowley." Aziraphale said softly, reaching out to take the demon's hand.
"Like I said, stupid." Crowley pulled his hand back before Aziraphale could touch it and rolled back over, facing away from him.
"It's not stupid at all." Aziraphale shook his head. "I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like. And I know there are no words in existence that could let you explain it to me properly."
"It's ineffable." Crowley said with the tiniest hint of a smile.
"Exactly." Aziraphale nodded. He decided that he was going to take a chance. He slipped his coat off and folded it neatly, laying it on a chair over in the corner. He stepped out of his shoes and then he climbed onto the bed beside Crowley, wrapping his arms around him. Much to Aziraphale's amazement, Crowley didn't move away. Instead, he turned in the angel's arms and snuggled in a little closer, resting his head against Aziraphale's chest.
"It shouldn't still bother me. It was eons ago." He didn't realize exactly how much he needed to just be held like that until it happened. The pain hadn't gone away but it was now considerably less.
"It was an extremely traumatic event, Crowley. Things like that take humans decades to get over so I can imagine that cel...someone like yourself would take quite a bit longer." He reached up to gently run his fingers through Crowley's hair.
"You were going to say celestial beings, weren't you?" Crowley was very glad that his face was hidden from Aziraphale just then.
"Sometimes my mouth works a little faster than my brain." He apologized.
"It's alright." Crowley nodded a little. He held Aziraphale just a little bit tighter. "Used to be true, at least."
"You're not like the others, Crowley. You never have been. It's always been very obvious that you just got roped in with the wrong bunch." It was something that Aziraphale noticed almost immediately about him. While Crowley did enjoy causing a bit of trouble, there was a major difference between him and the other demons.
"What makes you say that?" Crowley shifted just enough to look up at Aziraphale. He was enjoying their closeness a little more than he would actually admit.
"You actually have a heart, Crowley. You genuinely care." Aziraphale moved his hand to wipe another tear off Crowley's cheek. "And that makes you far better than any of them. At least in my book."
"Thank you, angel. That....it helps." Crowley rested his head against Aziraphale's chest once again. He took another deep breath and let it out, closing his eyes as Aziraphel's fingers went back to running through his hair. It really was a nice feeling.
"Crowley?" He asked as he made his way over to stand next to the bed.
"Don't you knock?" The demon practically hissed as he rolled over so Aziraphale couldn't see his face, frantically wiping at his cheeks.
"I thought we were past that." Aziraphale said softly. Crowley's shoulders slumped a bit. They had gotten past that a little while back.
"I just....you shouldn't have seen that." He cleared his throat and wiped at his cheeks again. He didn't like Aziraphale to see him so.....weak.
"What's wrong, Crowley?" Aziraphale reached out and touched Crowley's shoulder. Crowley tensed as if to move away at first, but then just relaxed into the touch. It was nice. Aziraphale sat on the edge of the bed.
"It's stupid." He shook his head. At least he felt like it was. Like it was something he should have gotten over quite a long time ago.
"I highly doubt that, Crowley." Aziraphale squeezed his shoulder gently. Anything that had his friend in this state certainly couldn't be stupid.
"If I tell you what's bothering me, you'll change your mind on that." He took a deep breath and let it out.
"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?" Aziraphale gave him a small smile as he squeezed Crowley's shoulder again. Crowley sighed and rolled over so that he could look at his friend. It was a miracle that he could even call the angel that, if he were honest. Even after everything they'd been through, they were still an angel and a demon.
"I didn't want this." Crowley said softly, his voice cracking just a bit. "It happened and there's nothing I can do about it and it's absolutely stupid that it still bothers me so much." He wiped at a fresh tear on his cheek.
"What are you talking about?" Aziraphale kept his tone calm and soothing. The whole point was to reassure Crowley, after all, not make him angry.
"This." Crowley gestured at his body. When Aziraphale just looked at him a bit confused, he closed his eyes for a moment, another tear streaking across his skin. "I never wanted to be a demon." The words would have been inaudible to any human. "I just.....listened to the wrong people." He cleared his throat.
"Oh Crowley." Aziraphale said softly, reaching out to take the demon's hand.
"Like I said, stupid." Crowley pulled his hand back before Aziraphale could touch it and rolled back over, facing away from him.
"It's not stupid at all." Aziraphale shook his head. "I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like. And I know there are no words in existence that could let you explain it to me properly."
"It's ineffable." Crowley said with the tiniest hint of a smile.
"Exactly." Aziraphale nodded. He decided that he was going to take a chance. He slipped his coat off and folded it neatly, laying it on a chair over in the corner. He stepped out of his shoes and then he climbed onto the bed beside Crowley, wrapping his arms around him. Much to Aziraphale's amazement, Crowley didn't move away. Instead, he turned in the angel's arms and snuggled in a little closer, resting his head against Aziraphale's chest.
"It shouldn't still bother me. It was eons ago." He didn't realize exactly how much he needed to just be held like that until it happened. The pain hadn't gone away but it was now considerably less.
"It was an extremely traumatic event, Crowley. Things like that take humans decades to get over so I can imagine that cel...someone like yourself would take quite a bit longer." He reached up to gently run his fingers through Crowley's hair.
"You were going to say celestial beings, weren't you?" Crowley was very glad that his face was hidden from Aziraphale just then.
"Sometimes my mouth works a little faster than my brain." He apologized.
"It's alright." Crowley nodded a little. He held Aziraphale just a little bit tighter. "Used to be true, at least."
"You're not like the others, Crowley. You never have been. It's always been very obvious that you just got roped in with the wrong bunch." It was something that Aziraphale noticed almost immediately about him. While Crowley did enjoy causing a bit of trouble, there was a major difference between him and the other demons.
"What makes you say that?" Crowley shifted just enough to look up at Aziraphale. He was enjoying their closeness a little more than he would actually admit.
"You actually have a heart, Crowley. You genuinely care." Aziraphale moved his hand to wipe another tear off Crowley's cheek. "And that makes you far better than any of them. At least in my book."
"Thank you, angel. That....it helps." Crowley rested his head against Aziraphale's chest once again. He took another deep breath and let it out, closing his eyes as Aziraphel's fingers went back to running through his hair. It really was a nice feeling.
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