Discorporated Part 6
Aziraphale tried to occupy his time while Crowley was on his date but he was finding it difficult. He couldn't concentrate on a book, and there was only so much cleaning he could do without it being completely obsessive. He'd even put away all of the returned books since Crowley hadn't had a chance to that day. After a while he just decided to put on some music and rearrange various papers on Crowley's desk until his return.
The date had gone well enough. They went to a movie and then went to dinner at a nice restaurant. It was kind of a cliche date but Crowley didn't mind at all. They talked about a variety of topics and had even gone back to his place for some wine after dinner.
"I really should be going." Crowley said when he realized that he'd been gone for nearly five hours. He was sure that Aziraphale was going crazy.
"You can't stay?" James asked with a suggestive tone. He lightly ran the back of his fingers over Crowley's cheek.
"I really can't. I'm sorry." Crowley sighed and got to his feet. James took his hand and kissed the back softly.
"When can I see you again?" He smiled up at Crowley. Crowley looked down at James for a long moment, taking him in. He was kind and handsome and generally wonderful. There was just something that wasn't quite there.
"I had a really wonderful time tonight, James..." Crowley started.
"But it's better if we just stay friends?" James asked as he let go of Crowley's hand.
"I thought I was over someone and I realized that I'm not." Crowley sighed a little.
"The old it's not you, it's me." James shook his head. Crowley sat down and took James' hand.
"This isn't a brush off, James. I promise. I've told you about my history. You know who I really am." Crowley took a moment to remove his sunglasses so he could really look at James. "I spent six thousand years in love with Aziraphale. It's going to take a long time to get over that."
"I know." James made a face. "I'm just being a bit catty because you really are fantastic." He offered a small smile. "I just have one request."
"What's that?" Crowley squeezed James' hand. Maybe they could still be friends.
"If you getting over him happens sometime in my lifetime, will you give me a call?" He smirked a little.
"I can absolutely promise you that." Crowley nodded and leaned in to give James a quick kiss on the lips. "We really can still be friends, though. If you want."
"I'd really like that." James nodded. He gave Crowley one more quick kiss before the other man got to his feet and left.
"So how did your date go?" Aziraphale asked as Crowley came back into the library.
"Do you really want to know?" Crowley asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes, of course I do." Aziraphale nodded.
"The temperature in the room would suggest otherwise." Crowley smirked a bit. He could almost see his breath.
"Oh." Aziraphale sighed and made a face. "I guess I don't really." He shrugged.
"That's what I thought." Crowley chuckled and moved over closer to Aziraphale. "You might be happy to know there won't be a second date."
"Good." Aziraphale smiled, then it faded quickly and he tried to look concerned. "I mean...I'm sorry to hear that."
"It's okay, Zira." Crowley laughed. "You're allowed to be happy about that." Crowley started to go upstairs and Aziraphale followed.
"Do you mind if I ask why there won't be another date?" Aziraphale moved ahead and opened the bedroom door for Crowley.
"We just decided to stay friends." Crowley shrugged and went into the bedroom to start getting changed for bed.
"Oh." Aziraphale nodded. He was quiet for a long moment. "May I ask why?" Crowley sighed but continued to get undressed.
"Because it takes a very long time to get over loving someone for six thousand years." Crowley decided to be honest.
"Crowley...." Aziraphale started. Crowley shook his head.
"It's fine, Zira. Really. It's probably better not to get involved with a moral anyway. He'll just end up dying on me in a few decades and then I'll have to start all over from scratch." Crowley shook his head.
"I'm sorry." Aziraphale said as he moved over closer to Crowley.
"That wasn't....Zira I didn't mean...." Crowley wasn't thinking when he reached out to put a hand on Aziraphale's shoulder. The shock came from him actually being able to put a hand on Aziraphale's shoulder. They both just stared at Crowley's hand for a moment.
"I didn't know you could do that." Aziraphale said.
"I didn't either." Crowley replied. He moved his hand up to Aziraphale's cheek, still not going through him. "I....but....how long...." He couldn't finish a question.
"You haven't tried to touch me in years. I don't know...." Aziraphale shook his head. "But....can I try something?"
"Sure." Crowley nodded, looking Aziraphale in the eye. He wasn't at all surprised when Aziraphale leaned in to kiss him. It felt like kissing someone who just came in from the cold but the kiss was there. He could feel Aziraphale's lips on his. Crowley moved his hand up to try to deepen the kiss and then suddenly the contact was gone. Crowley opened his eyes to find Aziraphale on the other side of the room.
"Zira....." He started to move toward Aziraphale.
"I don't know if this is right." Aziraphale was standing there playing with the hem of his coat. "We shouldn't..." He shook his head.
"Okay. It's alright. We don't have to..." Crowley kept moving closer. Aziraphale looked at him and the only way to describe the look was complete sadness.
"Crowley. This is just going to make things worse. Being able to touch each other......." Aziraphale was very sure that if he weren't a ghost, he'd be crying. "It's not good for you at all."
"What do you mean it's not good for me? Zira, what are you saying?" Crowley tried to reach out to him but his hands just went right through.
"You need to be able to move on, Crowley. The more corporeal I get, the less likely you are to let go. I'm sorry." Aziraphale started to get a little more transparent. "I shouldn't have....this was such a mistake."
"Zira, wait. Please...." Crowley wished just then that he could grab onto Aziraphale and not let him go.
"You need to let me go, Crowley." Aziraphale said and then he was gone.
"Aziraphale! Please!" Crowley turned in a circle in the bedroom but he couldn't feel the presence anymore. Aziraphale was no longer in the bedroom. Crowley made his way downstairs and couldn't feel him either. "Zira, don't do this. Please. I need you." Crowley sank to his knees in the middle of the library and put his face in his hands as he started to cry.
Aziraphale watched quietly from the corner of the library, remaining completely invisible. It broke his heart to see Crowley like that but he didn't have a choice. He hadn't realized until that night how much he was holding Crowley back. This really would be for the best. Crowley could get on with his life. That's what mattered.
The date had gone well enough. They went to a movie and then went to dinner at a nice restaurant. It was kind of a cliche date but Crowley didn't mind at all. They talked about a variety of topics and had even gone back to his place for some wine after dinner.
"I really should be going." Crowley said when he realized that he'd been gone for nearly five hours. He was sure that Aziraphale was going crazy.
"You can't stay?" James asked with a suggestive tone. He lightly ran the back of his fingers over Crowley's cheek.
"I really can't. I'm sorry." Crowley sighed and got to his feet. James took his hand and kissed the back softly.
"When can I see you again?" He smiled up at Crowley. Crowley looked down at James for a long moment, taking him in. He was kind and handsome and generally wonderful. There was just something that wasn't quite there.
"I had a really wonderful time tonight, James..." Crowley started.
"But it's better if we just stay friends?" James asked as he let go of Crowley's hand.
"I thought I was over someone and I realized that I'm not." Crowley sighed a little.
"The old it's not you, it's me." James shook his head. Crowley sat down and took James' hand.
"This isn't a brush off, James. I promise. I've told you about my history. You know who I really am." Crowley took a moment to remove his sunglasses so he could really look at James. "I spent six thousand years in love with Aziraphale. It's going to take a long time to get over that."
"I know." James made a face. "I'm just being a bit catty because you really are fantastic." He offered a small smile. "I just have one request."
"What's that?" Crowley squeezed James' hand. Maybe they could still be friends.
"If you getting over him happens sometime in my lifetime, will you give me a call?" He smirked a little.
"I can absolutely promise you that." Crowley nodded and leaned in to give James a quick kiss on the lips. "We really can still be friends, though. If you want."
"I'd really like that." James nodded. He gave Crowley one more quick kiss before the other man got to his feet and left.
"So how did your date go?" Aziraphale asked as Crowley came back into the library.
"Do you really want to know?" Crowley asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes, of course I do." Aziraphale nodded.
"The temperature in the room would suggest otherwise." Crowley smirked a bit. He could almost see his breath.
"Oh." Aziraphale sighed and made a face. "I guess I don't really." He shrugged.
"That's what I thought." Crowley chuckled and moved over closer to Aziraphale. "You might be happy to know there won't be a second date."
"Good." Aziraphale smiled, then it faded quickly and he tried to look concerned. "I mean...I'm sorry to hear that."
"It's okay, Zira." Crowley laughed. "You're allowed to be happy about that." Crowley started to go upstairs and Aziraphale followed.
"Do you mind if I ask why there won't be another date?" Aziraphale moved ahead and opened the bedroom door for Crowley.
"We just decided to stay friends." Crowley shrugged and went into the bedroom to start getting changed for bed.
"Oh." Aziraphale nodded. He was quiet for a long moment. "May I ask why?" Crowley sighed but continued to get undressed.
"Because it takes a very long time to get over loving someone for six thousand years." Crowley decided to be honest.
"Crowley...." Aziraphale started. Crowley shook his head.
"It's fine, Zira. Really. It's probably better not to get involved with a moral anyway. He'll just end up dying on me in a few decades and then I'll have to start all over from scratch." Crowley shook his head.
"I'm sorry." Aziraphale said as he moved over closer to Crowley.
"That wasn't....Zira I didn't mean...." Crowley wasn't thinking when he reached out to put a hand on Aziraphale's shoulder. The shock came from him actually being able to put a hand on Aziraphale's shoulder. They both just stared at Crowley's hand for a moment.
"I didn't know you could do that." Aziraphale said.
"I didn't either." Crowley replied. He moved his hand up to Aziraphale's cheek, still not going through him. "I....but....how long...." He couldn't finish a question.
"You haven't tried to touch me in years. I don't know...." Aziraphale shook his head. "But....can I try something?"
"Sure." Crowley nodded, looking Aziraphale in the eye. He wasn't at all surprised when Aziraphale leaned in to kiss him. It felt like kissing someone who just came in from the cold but the kiss was there. He could feel Aziraphale's lips on his. Crowley moved his hand up to try to deepen the kiss and then suddenly the contact was gone. Crowley opened his eyes to find Aziraphale on the other side of the room.
"Zira....." He started to move toward Aziraphale.
"I don't know if this is right." Aziraphale was standing there playing with the hem of his coat. "We shouldn't..." He shook his head.
"Okay. It's alright. We don't have to..." Crowley kept moving closer. Aziraphale looked at him and the only way to describe the look was complete sadness.
"Crowley. This is just going to make things worse. Being able to touch each other......." Aziraphale was very sure that if he weren't a ghost, he'd be crying. "It's not good for you at all."
"What do you mean it's not good for me? Zira, what are you saying?" Crowley tried to reach out to him but his hands just went right through.
"You need to be able to move on, Crowley. The more corporeal I get, the less likely you are to let go. I'm sorry." Aziraphale started to get a little more transparent. "I shouldn't have....this was such a mistake."
"Zira, wait. Please...." Crowley wished just then that he could grab onto Aziraphale and not let him go.
"You need to let me go, Crowley." Aziraphale said and then he was gone.
"Aziraphale! Please!" Crowley turned in a circle in the bedroom but he couldn't feel the presence anymore. Aziraphale was no longer in the bedroom. Crowley made his way downstairs and couldn't feel him either. "Zira, don't do this. Please. I need you." Crowley sank to his knees in the middle of the library and put his face in his hands as he started to cry.
Aziraphale watched quietly from the corner of the library, remaining completely invisible. It broke his heart to see Crowley like that but he didn't have a choice. He hadn't realized until that night how much he was holding Crowley back. This really would be for the best. Crowley could get on with his life. That's what mattered.
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